On Confidence

WARNING: This may begin as a glass-half-empty story, but by the end it becomes more full, I promise! It's worth sticking around to read the whole thing! If you don't have the time or patience for that, skip to the second line break (the one after the following one).

I was recently told by someone (whose opinion I really value) that I was 'too hard on myself'. A few days later, one of the most honest and trustworthy adults I know told me that 'you're not as confident as I'd like to see you be'. There was definitely a pattern happening here. It surprised me, but after thinking about it for a while, I realised they were right.
I've been watching the Oscars tonight, and seeing all those people making speeches, posing for photos, and standing on stage singing/talking/hoping people laugh. I was thinking 'wow, those people are so brave!' Even though they act for a living and have millions of people watch them, they never SEE thousands of people staring at them from the audience, like in the theatre in which the Oscars are given out.
At my high school graduation ceremony, I was terrified to even walk across a stage to collect my diploma, and later my volunteering award, let alone say anything. The audience there was filled with my family, my friends' families, and my teachers. They were all cheering, or falling asleep. But I was still afraid of somehow screwing up and being judged. I'm sure at least half the audience (the women) would have understood if I tripped in my 3-inch heels, and my classmates - who know me well enough to know how clumsy I am - would have not been shocked if I fell on the stairs. And the ceremony was so long, with so many memorable moments, that nobody would have remembered a wipeout by the next day. By the end, I didn't fall, or mess up anything. But that's just one example of my lack of confidence.
It's a rare moment that I'm talking to someone, even my family or one of my best friends, and I don't think 'geez that sounds lame' the moment I say anything. If they laugh, I immediately feel better (as long as I was making a joke on purpose...) but otherwise, I tend to mutter on about what I was trying to say, then go 'nevermind' and avoid eye contact until someone changes the subject.
While I realise this may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, that's not my intention. In fact, I always reread anything I post on my blog or facebook, hoping that nobody will think it's stupid.
Sure, I can dance around and talk to myself in the mirror, but if anyone else comes home, I clam up. I can plan out every sentence in an important conversation I need to have with someone, but then when the time comes, I wimp out and play it safe.
I love singing. I love music and I love joining myself to the music by singing along with it (or in harmony to it). I still can't work up the courage to sing for an audience. Even when I'm in the car, singing quietly with loud music and 4 other people singing over me, I'm deathly afraid of someone hearing me. As a result, I sing quietly and shakily, and my voice sounds like crap.
I think part of my self-esteem problem comes from fear of disappointing my parents. Ever since I was little and brought home my first art project, I've always wanted them to be proud of me. And for the most part they are. But there's still a tiny voice in the back of my head (which sounds suspiciously like my mom) saying 'be careful, you don't want to mess this up'. However, this fear, which has to do with my family, should really have nothing to do with my everyday life at school or work.
Another thing which made me incredibly self-conscious was the fact that I got picked on a lot through elementary school. Though this would make a really important (and lengthy) blog topic for another time, I would like to touch on it now. I began elementary school somewhat shy but excited and eager to learn and make new friends. When I was picked on, I think it crushed my spirit. I always knew the answer in class, but never raised my hand, for fear I would say the wrong thing, and be laughed at. I always watched my feet when I was walking, because I didn't want to trip and embarrass myself. Every child dreads being humiliated, but for me it was twofold - the initial embarrassment, and then the subsequent teasing (which would provoke tears, which in turn would provoke more teasing... Etc, ad nauseum). It's a vicious cycle. And it's a key reason that I second-guess every word I say, every idea that enters my head. I think; 'Is there some way that someone could possibly ridicule what I am about to say, or what I just thought - if I were to share that thought with them?' And if I somehow mess up my delivery of a well-thought-out, perfectly-worded line? It's back to the mumbling and staring at my feet.
I also can't stand it if someone criticises my opinion of something - or hates something I really love. I know it's a difference of opinion, blah blah, but for example the other day a close friend of mine was making fun of a band I have loved since I was about ten, and I still love to this day. I think their music has perfectly expressed so many feelings I could never express myself, and the individual people in that band seem so incredibly genuine that I'm proud to say I like them. But then when she said they were whiny and emo and stupid, I second-guessed myself and felt sad about everything I had thought about them and their music. Even though her opinion would never change the way I felt about them, it took away a little of my enjoyment, because I felt guilty for liking something so 'whiny and overdramatic'. I know it's stupid, but it hurt.

I actually don't know why I'm writing this. I think it makes me sound needy and whiny - but that, right there, is a prime example of this whole problem. I'm writing this because I think - no, scratch that, I know - that everyone out there has something they're self-conscious about. Usually this has to do with appearance (certainly with girls) or level of intelligence. I want to admit that I have problems in these areas, too, especially my appearance. There are some days I think 'Wow, my hair looks nice and I didn't even put any effort into it!' And there are some days I avoid looking at a mirror because my face is randomly red or my hair is a mess. (And for those of you who don't know me, I have insanely thick, wavy hair so it's fairly easy to mess up! Humidity is not my friend!)
But I also want to point out that I don't sit around all day thinking about how much I suck. In fact, I like being left my own company because while I am my biggest critic, I am also my own biggest fan. I point out (to myself) when I look good, even if nobody else does. I mentally high-five myself when I have a good idea. I'm the one who deadpanned that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is that 'none of the guys I know have good taste in girls'. And I know one person who will always laugh at my jokes - me!
And over the past few weeks, I've come to realise just how close I am with certain people, and really treasure the fact that I know them. Everyone should find incredible friends like these ones. They surprise me every day with just how supportive they are, and it's not like I'm constantly fishing for compliments (because that would be needy), but when they give me a really sincere one I come pretty close to tearing up because it's so sweet of them to appreciate me.
I have certain things about myself that I genuinely can't stand (my poor self-esteem, ironically, being one of them), and I have things about me that I love. I've learned to try to work on the negative things, and treasure and always remember the positive ones. I also have things about me that aren't the greatest, but I can't really change them, so I have learned to poke fun at them without letting them bother me. My height is a good example of this. It used to bother me when people pointed it out or made fun of it - then I began telling them that, given my genetics, I'm lucky to be as tall as I am! (that's 5 feet, 2 and 3/4 of an inch, for anyone wondering. And yes, that 3/4 is a huge accomplishment, you have no idea haha)
It's a good idea to have a sense of humour about oneself (I actually make jokes about my sense of humour... because I find everything funny!) because without it, either you take your negative attributes too seriously, and hate yourself, which is not good, or you are overly serious about all your positive attributes and become incredibly conceited and full of yourself, which is terribly annoying to be around! So laugh at the silly things you don't like, and call yourself awesome, and mean it! Positivity breeds positivity, so feeling great about yourself will make people feel great about you, and if you share with others the reasons you find them awesome, they'll feel great about themselves.

Oddly enough, this blog, in and of itself, has helped my confidence a great amount. When I first started posting, I was worried it would be met with criticism. But I actually have gotten a lot of positive reinforcement about it. And I really do enjoy writing. And I want to thank my amazing friends who inspired this post, those who boost my ego every day whether they know it or not. I love you guys more than I can possibly express.
If you have anything positive to share about this post, or about how you think of yourself, please post it below! If you have anything negative to say about me or yourself, kindly write it down on a piece of paper, rip it up, then flush it down the toilet. Because there is too much negativity in the world (especially the virtual one) for you to add to it. The sewer is already full of terrible things, so it won't mind one more little one.
If you think negative things about me, I don't really care anymore. Nobody forced you to read this.
If you think negative things about yourself, please remember that there are people out there who love you. Go find one and give them a hug. I love you all just for reading this!
Good night, dear readers. Please leave me a comment so I know you're not just Russian spyware pretending to click on my link :)