I'm not talking about over something understandable, like over a national tragedy, a sad movie, or someone dying, but just an out-of-nowhere, everything-makes-me-want-to-cry, lowness that sits in the back of your mind and distracts you from everything?
Some people would call this depression. I call this an infrequent, but far-too-common occurrence in my life. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or looking for attention, or any of that other crap that is often thrown at everyone in my situation. Honest to god, I am not. If I were, I would have posted something like this ages ago. I only decided to post today because I'm sitting here on a Thursday night when I should be doing Calculus, feeling like I have no motivation, and I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't put this somewhere.
I don't care if nobody reads this. I don't care if everybody reads this. I care that I'm writing it. I'm writing it because this blog is what I turn to when there are no people around, and I don't know what else to do with myself. Right now, I'm tired (both physically and mentally), bored, confused, distracted, and unmotivated to do anything productive. I don't know why. Every now and then these feelings just kind of pop up and drive me nuts.
I don't feel like eating (although possibly that's because I had a HUGE lunch today), I don't feel like going to bed quite yet (because as much as I love it, sleep is boring) and I don't even feel like watching TV. That right there is one of the most telltale signs of when something's not quite right with me. My mom just called me, to 'check in, see how things were going', and even though we were talking about nothing, I felt like crying when we hung up. Why? I have no idea. And it pisses me off that I have no idea, because usually I'm really good at acknowledging that kind of thing!
Overall, I consider myself a really happy person. I can laugh at pretty much anything, I spout random information and pop culture references better than anyone else I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure if there was someone here right now I'd be laughing and talking their ear off about some random topic. Sure, that gets on people's nerves sometimes, but that's who I am - if you're friends with me, you learn to love it. In pictures, I'm always grinning from ear-to-ear (there are a dozen of those examples staring at me from the wall right now), and usually it's a sincere smile, because cameras are taken out when people are happy.
But every now and then, I get in one of those so-called 'funks', and it's just not cool. 90% of the time, it's caused by nothing, and 10% of the time it could be caused by a number of things. I don't know what it is right now - stress over homework I haven't gotten yet, guy drama, lack of sleep or excercise (my mom's favourite cause), homesickness, a letdown from Christmas? Who knows. But it just plan sucks.
Depending on who you ask, anywhere between 15 and 40% of teenagers have depression.
My mom has her degree in psychology, and used to take me to various 'experts' ever since I had problems with bullying in Grade 2. That experience is exhausting. It's not fun telling your life story to strangers who are writing on a clipboard or staring at you with a furrowed brow. It's also not fun having a dozen possible 'diagnoses' thrown your way before you're even in highschool. And it's even less fun when people who know nothing about any of those 'diagnoses' start making stupid and stereotypical jokes while you're sitting there going 'oh great, I might have that...' I know that my mom was just worried about me and cared for me, and wanted to take care of me the best way she knew how. I don't resent her for that. I did at the time, and I will always resent going through that, but it's not her fault. She didn't want me to grow up having problems that no one knew about or could deal with. But it made me feel different, and not in a good way like my brains and sense of humour did.
I'm not going to say that being dragged to those people helped in the long run. Because honestly, I don't know that it did. What I will say, is that it taught me to be more aware of how I was feeling, and pay attention to what caused it so that I could avoid that in the future. It also taught me to be better at acting like I felt OK when I really didn't. Which isn't really a good thing, but there you have it.
I said it before and I'll say it again - I didn't write this for attention. This isn't one of those YouTube videos where people cry to the camera and say that they cut themselves and hate their lives. Those videos are truly heartbreaking, and I know many of them are true, but YouTube is not the place to go with such serious problems. The Internet is full of mean people who will make disgusting jokes about people like that - and continue to do so even after the person has committed suicide because of all the hate directed their way. Just look at Amanda Todd!
I'm not going to say that I've never had horrible thoughts and feelings like that before, because that would be a lie. But the truth is that I have gone through a lot of shit to make it to where I am today, and I will not let that all be for nothing! The past is in the past; and sometimes it's best that the past stay hidden, especially if it will have nothing but a negative impact on the future. If any of my friends are concerned and would like to know about that chapter of my life, they are more than welcome to ask me about it - I promise I will be forthcoming. I just don't think it's something the entire world needs to know.
Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a brighter one. There are a bunch of things going on right now that individually, I can handle, but taken as a group, they seem kind of overwhelming. I know that eventually I will get past everything, and look back on the day I wrote this blog and laugh at all my so-called 'problems'. It's just that sometimes that day in the future seems really far away. And sometimes my mood swings get the better of me, and I spend a good hour or two listlessly surfing the Internet and feeling sorry for myself. But I think this blog has pretty much used up the last 30 minutes of those 2 hours, and now it's time for bed.
I honestly do feel better after spelling everything out like this. If you've read this whole thing, bless your heart.
My name is Emily, and I am a survivor. Of what, you might ask? Of my life. And you are a survivor of yours! So keep your chin up, buttercup!
I would like to leave you with this song. It's one that means a lot to me, I had heard it before, but it came to me at just the right time when I was really in a dark place - and it has never failed to inspire me since.
I'm finally catching onto it, yeah the past is just a conduit.
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.
Thank you for reading.
Lots of love,
~Em
