Today, while reading various things on Tumblr like I tend to do, I came across something Wil Wheaton reposted that moved me to tears. And then it made me angry. It was an excerpt from a letter written to the US Congress by a woman whose two children attended Sandy Hook school and, fortunately, survived the shooting. You can read it here: http://newtownaction.org/letter-from-sandy-hook-mom/
She tells how her children, ages six and eight had to face their friends, classmates and teachers being massacred. They were happy little girls whose innocence was ruined by a sick man with a gun. The younger of the two was in one of the classrooms closest to the entrance of the school and heard the shooting and the screaming on the other side of the wall. She now suffers from severe PTSD and has nightmares, is afraid of loud noises, and doesn't want to go outside.
The biggest tragedy to happen since Newtown, however, is the fact that innocent little lives were lost or changed forever, and yet nothing has changed. Why? I don't even know where to begin. 'Red tape', mostly. And I don't want to discredit myself by sounding like a conspiracy nut, but it's true. Obama said from day one that a serious change needed to be made. He wants for there to be a difference, for needless slaughter like this to never ever happen again.
TV and news pundits from Jon Stewart (a man I both enjoy and respect) to Peirs Morgan have said, entirely sombrely, that it's time to do something serious. In fact, they said it after the last massive tragedy - in the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado - after the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007, after Columbine and countless others.
And if you're good with your history, you will know that the Columbine massacre will have its 14th anniversary this month. Since then, there have been more mass murders by firearm than at any other time in US history. And the majority of these have been in supposedly 'safe' public places - theaters, malls, and most tragically, schools. The majority of those killed didn't even know their murderer, they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
3 of the 4 worst school shootings in US history have happened within the last 2 decades (with the exception of the 1966 University of Texas sniper attack by Charles Whitman, who killed 16 people). And there is a reason for this pattern - guns. The accessibility to guns has become much more relaxed in recent years, and the weapons are more powerful than ever before. I'm no expert, but I do know that the shooter at Newtown only had to reload a few times in the process of killing dozens. And I also know that, if his gun had a smaller magazine, he would have had to reload more frequently, and there would have been more time for his potential victims to hide, escape, protect themselves, or even stop him, as some staff so bravely tried to do.
I am well aware that in my last blog about this tragedy, (read it here: http://whatithinkaboutanythingandeverything.blogspot.ca/2012/12/tragedy-dedicated-to-victims-of-newtown.html) I said that guns weren't even the issue, because they don't kill people on their own. I have done some thinking since then, and I was partly wrong. While it is true that many guns are inanimate objects that go through their time without harming anyone, the fact of the matter is that they are so readily available that it's far too easy for someone who is mentally disturbed to get their hands on one - even legally. If they're not outlawed altogether, there definitely needs to be a more selective screening process for selling them, and these laws need to be enforced. The Newtown shooter took his mother's legally-obtained weapons and used them on his spree - after killing her. Why was he so easily able to gain access to such destructive weapons? Why did she even have such a collection of killing tools?
There was an additional something disturbing that I noticed right away from reports of the shooting: the low 'injury' number. The reason for this was that his weapon was so high-powered, and the ammunition so deadly, that it didn't simply wound. That thing was not built to hurt people - it was built to destroy them. And it downright sickens me to know that there were children on the receiving end of that firepower.
Which brings us back around to the topic of politics. The 'red tape' blocking real progress from being made. The political 'right' defends fiercely the rights of their citizens to 'bear arms'. Being sane, and a Canadian, I have never understood the necessity that the American forefathers felt to arm every one of their citizens. There are, of course, those rare cases where people actually use a gun to defend themselves from home invaders, or bears - and I'm sure that if I were in a situation like that, I would wish I had a handgun ready to use. But how many times has this been taken to extremes? Trespassers being shot? Treyvon Martin, for example, being killed for looking 'suspicious'? The numbers boggle the mind - but history has shown that the bad cases outweigh those where the gun was beneficial and didn't cause a needless tragedy.
However, the main point of the original article was not even to ban all guns. Perhaps, somewhere down the road, American Congress will come to their senses and realise that bears attacks are not nearly as common these days, and that security systems have come a long way since the 1700s. But until then, let's focus on the bigger issue at hand - assault weapons. The American founders, when writing the Constitution, had never even dreamed these killing machines were possible. When they spoke about 'bearing arms', they were referring to muskets. Neither of the examples I have used make assault weapons necessary. In no way is an assault weapon the only sufficient method of defence from a home invader. In many cases, a simple baseball bat or pepper spray are all that's needed. In short, a small handgun would more than enough. When hunting, it's the same thing! People have caught their dinner for centuries using a bow and arrow, and a single-barrel shotgun would again, be quite sufficient to kill a deer. (Side note: despite the fact that my grandfather hunts, I personally do not condone the sport). So a semiautomatic weapon isn't needed in this case, either.
So why are they even legal? Who knows. My friend told me a story of driving through Pennsylvania with his family and passing a bank that had a sign in their window advertising that they would give a free AK-47 to anyone who opened an account with them. I don't even know where to begin with this. In fact, it's so ridiculous that I am praying it was a joke. Because banks should know the dangers of giving people weapons - approximately 5,000 of them are robbed every year in the United States. And that's just money being lost. We should be all the more concerned when it comes to the lives of children.
Many who oppose gun control make the point that outlawing something does not solve the problem entirely. Unfortunately, this is true. Heroin is illegal around the globe and yet there are still addicts found worldwide. However, it would certainly go a long way in reducing the access the general public has to these weapons.
In Canada, for example, our government requires permits for almost every gun purchased (with the recent exception of rifles and shotguns - a topic that inspired much concern and debate) and has prohibited new licences issued for assault weapons, therefore prohibiting people from obtaining new weapons. In addition, there is a law stating that when the owner of such a weapon has died, and the weapon was not willed to a direct relative, the gun must be turned over to the authorities to be destroyed. The last massive Canadian school shooting occurred in 1989. 14 people were killed at the Ecole Polytechniqe in Montreal, and following that, the federal government passed the Firearms Act which refined the already-strict gun control laws. Since then, gun control has only been a minor nuisance. England has similar policies in place, and they too, have a lower shooting rate than the United States.
So why won't our neighbours south of the border follow suit? Who knows. I can't even start to explain all the reasons it's easy for someone in the US to carry out such a despicable attack. Jon Stewart has tried to explain all the problems facing those creating tougher laws - and all he's really able to do is laugh. The NRA contradicts themselves, politicians say the government wants to take their guns, and therefore their 'freedom' - and then turn around and blame the government for not doing enough to prevent such a tragedy. But those same people get to hug their children each night, and don't have a panic attack from the sound of a balloon popping. They didn't have to watch their teachers and classmates die, or have to see their loved ones relive that day over and over again.
I don't even want to fathom the possibility of this ever happening again, but it begs the question - how much tragedy will be enough to make a difference? How many more innocent people have to die before they decide to change their ways? I don't want to exaggerate, I am sure many members of the NRA and Congress are perfectly nice, logical people, and not the gun-toting rednecks they are made out to be. But they're incredibly stubborn on something that should be so simple. What will it take for them to get it? Many of them have children - maybe their sympathies will be brought out if someone shows them the autopsy photos. Or pictures from the blood-soaked crime scene. Wil Wheaton, in his post, even suggested that Congress have to face the parents, siblings and friends of those who died that day - to have to look them in the eye and tell them why their son or daughter is not with them anymore. Will that be enough to bring change to the world? Maybe. But there shouldn't have to be such drastic measures taken. There is one simple truth at the root of all of this: The right of one person to have a gun does not, and should never, outweigh the right of 20 children to have a future.
Let's hope something happens before the rest of the world moves on and forgets - or before something even more unspeakable happens. I know I won't forget. This is something that is going to bother me until the day I die. I know I was not directly affected, but that shouldn't matter. Although I know my own country is considerably safer, I still worry that something like this could happen at my school, at my sisters' school, or at the school where my mom works. Assault rifles have no place in a civilized world. Guns have no place in a civilized world. It shouldn't be this difficult to get rid of them and protect the lives of children.
President Obama was right what he said on the day of the shooting. There is a time to mourn - a time which is still ongoing - and there is a time to act. And the time to act has damn well already passed.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Thursday, 17 January 2013
On Sadness
Do you ever just randomly feel sad?
I'm not talking about over something understandable, like over a national tragedy, a sad movie, or someone dying, but just an out-of-nowhere, everything-makes-me-want-to-cry, lowness that sits in the back of your mind and distracts you from everything?
Some people would call this depression. I call this an infrequent, but far-too-common occurrence in my life. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or looking for attention, or any of that other crap that is often thrown at everyone in my situation. Honest to god, I am not. If I were, I would have posted something like this ages ago. I only decided to post today because I'm sitting here on a Thursday night when I should be doing Calculus, feeling like I have no motivation, and I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't put this somewhere.
I don't care if nobody reads this. I don't care if everybody reads this. I care that I'm writing it. I'm writing it because this blog is what I turn to when there are no people around, and I don't know what else to do with myself. Right now, I'm tired (both physically and mentally), bored, confused, distracted, and unmotivated to do anything productive. I don't know why. Every now and then these feelings just kind of pop up and drive me nuts.
I don't feel like eating (although possibly that's because I had a HUGE lunch today), I don't feel like going to bed quite yet (because as much as I love it, sleep is boring) and I don't even feel like watching TV. That right there is one of the most telltale signs of when something's not quite right with me. My mom just called me, to 'check in, see how things were going', and even though we were talking about nothing, I felt like crying when we hung up. Why? I have no idea. And it pisses me off that I have no idea, because usually I'm really good at acknowledging that kind of thing!
Overall, I consider myself a really happy person. I can laugh at pretty much anything, I spout random information and pop culture references better than anyone else I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure if there was someone here right now I'd be laughing and talking their ear off about some random topic. Sure, that gets on people's nerves sometimes, but that's who I am - if you're friends with me, you learn to love it. In pictures, I'm always grinning from ear-to-ear (there are a dozen of those examples staring at me from the wall right now), and usually it's a sincere smile, because cameras are taken out when people are happy.
But every now and then, I get in one of those so-called 'funks', and it's just not cool. 90% of the time, it's caused by nothing, and 10% of the time it could be caused by a number of things. I don't know what it is right now - stress over homework I haven't gotten yet, guy drama, lack of sleep or excercise (my mom's favourite cause), homesickness, a letdown from Christmas? Who knows. But it just plan sucks.
Depending on who you ask, anywhere between 15 and 40% of teenagers have depression.
My mom has her degree in psychology, and used to take me to various 'experts' ever since I had problems with bullying in Grade 2. That experience is exhausting. It's not fun telling your life story to strangers who are writing on a clipboard or staring at you with a furrowed brow. It's also not fun having a dozen possible 'diagnoses' thrown your way before you're even in highschool. And it's even less fun when people who know nothing about any of those 'diagnoses' start making stupid and stereotypical jokes while you're sitting there going 'oh great, I might have that...' I know that my mom was just worried about me and cared for me, and wanted to take care of me the best way she knew how. I don't resent her for that. I did at the time, and I will always resent going through that, but it's not her fault. She didn't want me to grow up having problems that no one knew about or could deal with. But it made me feel different, and not in a good way like my brains and sense of humour did.
I'm not going to say that being dragged to those people helped in the long run. Because honestly, I don't know that it did. What I will say, is that it taught me to be more aware of how I was feeling, and pay attention to what caused it so that I could avoid that in the future. It also taught me to be better at acting like I felt OK when I really didn't. Which isn't really a good thing, but there you have it.
I said it before and I'll say it again - I didn't write this for attention. This isn't one of those YouTube videos where people cry to the camera and say that they cut themselves and hate their lives. Those videos are truly heartbreaking, and I know many of them are true, but YouTube is not the place to go with such serious problems. The Internet is full of mean people who will make disgusting jokes about people like that - and continue to do so even after the person has committed suicide because of all the hate directed their way. Just look at Amanda Todd!
I'm not going to say that I've never had horrible thoughts and feelings like that before, because that would be a lie. But the truth is that I have gone through a lot of shit to make it to where I am today, and I will not let that all be for nothing! The past is in the past; and sometimes it's best that the past stay hidden, especially if it will have nothing but a negative impact on the future. If any of my friends are concerned and would like to know about that chapter of my life, they are more than welcome to ask me about it - I promise I will be forthcoming. I just don't think it's something the entire world needs to know.
Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a brighter one. There are a bunch of things going on right now that individually, I can handle, but taken as a group, they seem kind of overwhelming. I know that eventually I will get past everything, and look back on the day I wrote this blog and laugh at all my so-called 'problems'. It's just that sometimes that day in the future seems really far away. And sometimes my mood swings get the better of me, and I spend a good hour or two listlessly surfing the Internet and feeling sorry for myself. But I think this blog has pretty much used up the last 30 minutes of those 2 hours, and now it's time for bed.
I honestly do feel better after spelling everything out like this. If you've read this whole thing, bless your heart.
My name is Emily, and I am a survivor. Of what, you might ask? Of my life. And you are a survivor of yours! So keep your chin up, buttercup!
I would like to leave you with this song. It's one that means a lot to me, I had heard it before, but it came to me at just the right time when I was really in a dark place - and it has never failed to inspire me since.
There is one line in this song that I love above all the others. When I have my own house, I want to frame this quote and put it on the wall:
I'm not talking about over something understandable, like over a national tragedy, a sad movie, or someone dying, but just an out-of-nowhere, everything-makes-me-want-to-cry, lowness that sits in the back of your mind and distracts you from everything?
Some people would call this depression. I call this an infrequent, but far-too-common occurrence in my life. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or looking for attention, or any of that other crap that is often thrown at everyone in my situation. Honest to god, I am not. If I were, I would have posted something like this ages ago. I only decided to post today because I'm sitting here on a Thursday night when I should be doing Calculus, feeling like I have no motivation, and I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't put this somewhere.
I don't care if nobody reads this. I don't care if everybody reads this. I care that I'm writing it. I'm writing it because this blog is what I turn to when there are no people around, and I don't know what else to do with myself. Right now, I'm tired (both physically and mentally), bored, confused, distracted, and unmotivated to do anything productive. I don't know why. Every now and then these feelings just kind of pop up and drive me nuts.
I don't feel like eating (although possibly that's because I had a HUGE lunch today), I don't feel like going to bed quite yet (because as much as I love it, sleep is boring) and I don't even feel like watching TV. That right there is one of the most telltale signs of when something's not quite right with me. My mom just called me, to 'check in, see how things were going', and even though we were talking about nothing, I felt like crying when we hung up. Why? I have no idea. And it pisses me off that I have no idea, because usually I'm really good at acknowledging that kind of thing!
Overall, I consider myself a really happy person. I can laugh at pretty much anything, I spout random information and pop culture references better than anyone else I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure if there was someone here right now I'd be laughing and talking their ear off about some random topic. Sure, that gets on people's nerves sometimes, but that's who I am - if you're friends with me, you learn to love it. In pictures, I'm always grinning from ear-to-ear (there are a dozen of those examples staring at me from the wall right now), and usually it's a sincere smile, because cameras are taken out when people are happy.
But every now and then, I get in one of those so-called 'funks', and it's just not cool. 90% of the time, it's caused by nothing, and 10% of the time it could be caused by a number of things. I don't know what it is right now - stress over homework I haven't gotten yet, guy drama, lack of sleep or excercise (my mom's favourite cause), homesickness, a letdown from Christmas? Who knows. But it just plan sucks.
Depending on who you ask, anywhere between 15 and 40% of teenagers have depression.
My mom has her degree in psychology, and used to take me to various 'experts' ever since I had problems with bullying in Grade 2. That experience is exhausting. It's not fun telling your life story to strangers who are writing on a clipboard or staring at you with a furrowed brow. It's also not fun having a dozen possible 'diagnoses' thrown your way before you're even in highschool. And it's even less fun when people who know nothing about any of those 'diagnoses' start making stupid and stereotypical jokes while you're sitting there going 'oh great, I might have that...' I know that my mom was just worried about me and cared for me, and wanted to take care of me the best way she knew how. I don't resent her for that. I did at the time, and I will always resent going through that, but it's not her fault. She didn't want me to grow up having problems that no one knew about or could deal with. But it made me feel different, and not in a good way like my brains and sense of humour did.
I'm not going to say that being dragged to those people helped in the long run. Because honestly, I don't know that it did. What I will say, is that it taught me to be more aware of how I was feeling, and pay attention to what caused it so that I could avoid that in the future. It also taught me to be better at acting like I felt OK when I really didn't. Which isn't really a good thing, but there you have it.
I said it before and I'll say it again - I didn't write this for attention. This isn't one of those YouTube videos where people cry to the camera and say that they cut themselves and hate their lives. Those videos are truly heartbreaking, and I know many of them are true, but YouTube is not the place to go with such serious problems. The Internet is full of mean people who will make disgusting jokes about people like that - and continue to do so even after the person has committed suicide because of all the hate directed their way. Just look at Amanda Todd!
I'm not going to say that I've never had horrible thoughts and feelings like that before, because that would be a lie. But the truth is that I have gone through a lot of shit to make it to where I am today, and I will not let that all be for nothing! The past is in the past; and sometimes it's best that the past stay hidden, especially if it will have nothing but a negative impact on the future. If any of my friends are concerned and would like to know about that chapter of my life, they are more than welcome to ask me about it - I promise I will be forthcoming. I just don't think it's something the entire world needs to know.
Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a brighter one. There are a bunch of things going on right now that individually, I can handle, but taken as a group, they seem kind of overwhelming. I know that eventually I will get past everything, and look back on the day I wrote this blog and laugh at all my so-called 'problems'. It's just that sometimes that day in the future seems really far away. And sometimes my mood swings get the better of me, and I spend a good hour or two listlessly surfing the Internet and feeling sorry for myself. But I think this blog has pretty much used up the last 30 minutes of those 2 hours, and now it's time for bed.
I honestly do feel better after spelling everything out like this. If you've read this whole thing, bless your heart.
My name is Emily, and I am a survivor. Of what, you might ask? Of my life. And you are a survivor of yours! So keep your chin up, buttercup!
I would like to leave you with this song. It's one that means a lot to me, I had heard it before, but it came to me at just the right time when I was really in a dark place - and it has never failed to inspire me since.
I'm finally catching onto it, yeah the past is just a conduit.
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.
Thank you for reading.
Lots of love,
~Em
Friday, 14 December 2012
On Tragedy - dedicated to the victims of the Newtown school shooting
As a citizen of the world, I am appalled.
What is happening? I know senseless acts happen in all corners of the globe daily, and unfortunately many of them are not given the attention they deserve. I'm not here to talk about that today. Today I'm talking about the senseless bastard that stormed into a school full of CHILDREN and murdered 20 of them and 6 school staff (numbers aren't quite accurate, it's pretty recent so the news isn't sure of anything yet) before he was stopped. It's not known yet whether he was killed by police or committed suicide, but I hope the cops managed to get him. Someone like this doesn't deserve to choose when he dies, not when he's taken the lives of sweet little kids.
Somehow this seems worse than Columbine or Virginia Tech, because these children were so young, they probably don't even know what a school shooting is! And then to be killed just because they were at school, or to live through something like this - I can't even imagine. The poor survivors are going to be scarred for life, after seeing something so horrific. They're probably going to have nightmares and be in therapy for so long. They don't deserve that. No one does. But especially not kids.
The world is an amazing place, but it's also full of a lot of darkness - and a part of growing and maturing is the process of coming to learn that: gradually, over time, and accepting it. We can't possibly expect children to be able to cope with that - even some adults can't. This is why we shield them! We protect them, tell them everything is going to be all right, the monsters aren't real, and a hug and a kiss can fix anything. Kids aren't taught about guns in school, and why should they be? They're not taught about death and destruction, or pain and loss. They shouldn't have to face that, just by going to school.
This morning, there was also a man in China who attacked a group of 22 schoolchildren with a knife. Thankfully, none of them were killed, but it's just another sickening example of what is happening in the world. And it may just be the fact that I've become more aware of the media recently, but it seems like this kind of thing has been happening a lot lately, especially in the States. There was the shooting at the theatre in Aurora in July, then less than a week ago at a mall in Oregon, and now this. This is SO close to Christmas too, I can't even fathom it, it makes me so sick.
Christmas is a time for family and children, and this year there will be 20 families that have to celebrate Christmas (or Hanukkah) without their kids. And they were taken so suddenly, their families never got a chance to say goodbye, to hug them one last time and tell them they love them. I'm living away from home now at university, and my sisters are still in elementary school. My mom is also a teacher at an elementary school back home. If anything happened to any of them, I wouldn't even be able to function. Christmas is my favourite time of year, it would be forever be a horrible reminder to me.
The poor families who are left behind have it the hardest. All we can do now is hope that the ones who were killed didn't suffer. I hope it was over before they knew what was happening, before they had time to be scared. It just breaks my heart. Their families will live with the worst burden ever. Greif. They didn't know it was the last time they'd see their little ones' faces, when they left for school today. What parent deserves to feel regret over not hugging their child or keeping them home from school? Every other day, and in every other place, something like that is so insignificant in the long run. But for those 20 families, their lives will never be the same, and they'll wonder if something so small could have made a difference.
The children were not the only ones who died today. I would like to send an enourmously sincere thank you to the adults at the school who gave their lives or were injured because they tried to protect the kids. Those are true heroes, who had no way of defending themselves, but took their job that much farther because they wanted to save people.
The sick bastard who opened fire on those defenceless kids today had NO RIGHT to take family and Christmas away from ANYONE. I have no clue what his reasons were, but it doesn't matter. No reason is EVER good enough to take the life of a child. What could they have possibly done to him?! He probably didn't even have any actual reasons, he was sick in the head. And that makes me even more sick. This was so easily preventable!
And I'm not here to start a debate about gun control, because the fact of the matter is this: Guns don't kill people. People kill people. If we protected the general public from sick-minded freaks, guns wouldn't be an issue. They're inanimate objects, they have no will of their own. Human beings should know better. Living creatures instinctively protect their young, and if we consider ourselves so evolved, why aren't we doing a better job of it?
It bothers me when people turn a tragedy into a political argument, especially so soon right after the fact, because I feel like it's disrespectful to the victims. We need to remember them and honour them, before people start pointing fingers 'Obama could have prevented this!' etc. You think Obama is not mourning over this? He's a father, too.
I have an exam tomorrow, and today I was all happy because I have finished my Christmas shopping and I am going home in a few days. But after hearing this tragic story, I feel like all of that is so insignificant now. I can't even focus to try and study for the exam, because I'm so shaken up and disturbed by this. There isn't even anything I can really do to help at the moment, it doesn't make sense for me to be so focused on this. But all the love, support and unity that I've seen pouring through the Internet over the past few hours needs to be there ALL the time. It's not just enough to remember. We need to be proactive and be grateful for the lives that we are all still able to live. And I don't know about any of you, but when I see all my friends and family this Christmas, I'm going to hug them all a little harder, talk a little longer, and say 'I love you' a whole lot more. Because you really never know when you might not see someone you care about ever again.
Rather than that depressing note, I'd like to leave you on an uplifting one. Among all the love and justified outrage on Twitter today, I found a link to the following article:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y
And then I found another one, along the same lines:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/pictures-that-will-restore-your-faith-in-humanity
Just to remind us all that not everyone is evil, some people are willing to do anything to make a child happy, and make us cry tears of happiness, instead of sadness.
Goodnight, and please join me in sending your prayers and positive thoughts towards the victims of this tragedy.
What is happening? I know senseless acts happen in all corners of the globe daily, and unfortunately many of them are not given the attention they deserve. I'm not here to talk about that today. Today I'm talking about the senseless bastard that stormed into a school full of CHILDREN and murdered 20 of them and 6 school staff (numbers aren't quite accurate, it's pretty recent so the news isn't sure of anything yet) before he was stopped. It's not known yet whether he was killed by police or committed suicide, but I hope the cops managed to get him. Someone like this doesn't deserve to choose when he dies, not when he's taken the lives of sweet little kids.
Somehow this seems worse than Columbine or Virginia Tech, because these children were so young, they probably don't even know what a school shooting is! And then to be killed just because they were at school, or to live through something like this - I can't even imagine. The poor survivors are going to be scarred for life, after seeing something so horrific. They're probably going to have nightmares and be in therapy for so long. They don't deserve that. No one does. But especially not kids.
The world is an amazing place, but it's also full of a lot of darkness - and a part of growing and maturing is the process of coming to learn that: gradually, over time, and accepting it. We can't possibly expect children to be able to cope with that - even some adults can't. This is why we shield them! We protect them, tell them everything is going to be all right, the monsters aren't real, and a hug and a kiss can fix anything. Kids aren't taught about guns in school, and why should they be? They're not taught about death and destruction, or pain and loss. They shouldn't have to face that, just by going to school.
This morning, there was also a man in China who attacked a group of 22 schoolchildren with a knife. Thankfully, none of them were killed, but it's just another sickening example of what is happening in the world. And it may just be the fact that I've become more aware of the media recently, but it seems like this kind of thing has been happening a lot lately, especially in the States. There was the shooting at the theatre in Aurora in July, then less than a week ago at a mall in Oregon, and now this. This is SO close to Christmas too, I can't even fathom it, it makes me so sick.
Christmas is a time for family and children, and this year there will be 20 families that have to celebrate Christmas (or Hanukkah) without their kids. And they were taken so suddenly, their families never got a chance to say goodbye, to hug them one last time and tell them they love them. I'm living away from home now at university, and my sisters are still in elementary school. My mom is also a teacher at an elementary school back home. If anything happened to any of them, I wouldn't even be able to function. Christmas is my favourite time of year, it would be forever be a horrible reminder to me.
The poor families who are left behind have it the hardest. All we can do now is hope that the ones who were killed didn't suffer. I hope it was over before they knew what was happening, before they had time to be scared. It just breaks my heart. Their families will live with the worst burden ever. Greif. They didn't know it was the last time they'd see their little ones' faces, when they left for school today. What parent deserves to feel regret over not hugging their child or keeping them home from school? Every other day, and in every other place, something like that is so insignificant in the long run. But for those 20 families, their lives will never be the same, and they'll wonder if something so small could have made a difference.
The children were not the only ones who died today. I would like to send an enourmously sincere thank you to the adults at the school who gave their lives or were injured because they tried to protect the kids. Those are true heroes, who had no way of defending themselves, but took their job that much farther because they wanted to save people.
The sick bastard who opened fire on those defenceless kids today had NO RIGHT to take family and Christmas away from ANYONE. I have no clue what his reasons were, but it doesn't matter. No reason is EVER good enough to take the life of a child. What could they have possibly done to him?! He probably didn't even have any actual reasons, he was sick in the head. And that makes me even more sick. This was so easily preventable!
And I'm not here to start a debate about gun control, because the fact of the matter is this: Guns don't kill people. People kill people. If we protected the general public from sick-minded freaks, guns wouldn't be an issue. They're inanimate objects, they have no will of their own. Human beings should know better. Living creatures instinctively protect their young, and if we consider ourselves so evolved, why aren't we doing a better job of it?
It bothers me when people turn a tragedy into a political argument, especially so soon right after the fact, because I feel like it's disrespectful to the victims. We need to remember them and honour them, before people start pointing fingers 'Obama could have prevented this!' etc. You think Obama is not mourning over this? He's a father, too.
Rather than that depressing note, I'd like to leave you on an uplifting one. Among all the love and justified outrage on Twitter today, I found a link to the following article:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y
And then I found another one, along the same lines:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/pictures-that-will-restore-your-faith-in-humanity
Just to remind us all that not everyone is evil, some people are willing to do anything to make a child happy, and make us cry tears of happiness, instead of sadness.
Goodnight, and please join me in sending your prayers and positive thoughts towards the victims of this tragedy.
Friday, 12 October 2012
On Bullying - Dedicated to the memory of Amanda Todd
This makes me sick. And angry. So much so that I want to curl into my bed and cry and sleep forever. I can't, because I have midterms to study for and assignments to do. But first, I thought I'd talk about this.
I try not to be too political or controversial on this blog - partly because that's how I am in real life, and partly because there are too many people on the Internet who will get offended by everything, or tell you you're wrong just for stating your own opinion. But in this case, I don't care. I've been saying for years that something has to be done about this, and IT HAS TO BE DONE NOW. The Government of Ontario passed an act in schools making harsher penalties for bullying, but it really only deals with physical bullying, and is obviously still not effective enough. It's a sensitive topic, I know. But political controversy is nothing compared to a young person's life.
October is (among other things) Bullying Awareness and Prevention Month. For those of you who don't know, this Wednesday (October 10th) a 15-year old girl from BC named Amanda Todd took her own life because she couldn't live anymore with all the cruelty she was facing at the hands of other teens.
Her full story and YouTube video is here: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/10/11/amanda-todd-teen-bullying-suicide-youtube_n_1959668.html#slide=1632694
WARNING: That video is one of the most heart-wrenching things I have ever seen in my life. I was in tears for nearly an hour after watching it. If you're embarrassed by crying, don't watch it in public. Do so in private so you can cry if you need to. I do recommend that everyone watches it, though, to hear in her own words what she was going through, because it's a very long story.
This poor girl.. She made that video a month ago and the worst part was this - the description below it:
"I'm struggling to stay in this world, because everything just touches me so deeply. I'm not doing this for attention. I'm doing this to be an inspiration and to show that I can be strong. I did things to myself to make pain go away, because I'd rather hurt myself then someone else. Haters are haters but please don't hate, although I'm sure I'll get them. I hope I can show you guys that everyone has a story, and everyone's future will be bright one day, you just gotta pull through. I'm still here aren't I?"
The saddest thing is that this gorgeous young girl is not still here anymore - because a bunch of teenagers decided their lives weren't complete without hers being a living hell. There are no words to express how strongly I feel about something like this. It sickens me. And stuff is being done about it, but not enough. Even now, there are negative comments being posted on her video, calling her 'retarded' and saying she deserved it after flashing the guy on webcam. YES, it's true she made some bad choices. But NO ONE deserves to die for something like that. I want to know who this pervert is who had the picture and was spreading it around - she was 12 GODDAMN YEARS OLD AT THE TIME, THAT IS CHILD EXPLOITATION! Not only is it illegal, it's completely disgusting and horrific. She didn't even harm anyone!
That's another thing so tragic about her story, she didn't take any of her emotions out on ANYONE else! She didn't beat anyone up, or anything, she took it all out on her poor self.
The Internet is a wonderful place, but it's also a terrible one. Ten, fifteen years ago, this kind of thing would have been unheard of. This poor girl changed school THREE TIMES to get away from these bastards who were trying to hurt her. But they kept after her! They followed her to her new school and beat her! And they tormented her on Facebook, and I'm sure some of them had some pretty horrible things to say back when her YouTube video was first posted. She tried to kill herself once before, and they mocked her for that!!
That part doesn't even really make me sad, it makes me downright angry. What would it take for these stupid immature bastards to get it?! This was serious! She must have been in so much pain to want to take that way out. She drank bleach! I've seen what bleach does to skin, and it's not pretty. She DRANK it. That would have to have been the most painful thing you can imagine, like your insides are on fire. That's so serious, and these kids kept going.
They told her to try a different kind of bleach next time, and that they hoped she died. I can't believe anyone would do that. No matter what someone has done, no one as innocent and alone as she was deserves to die. Ted Bundy? Yes. Amanda? Certainly not. Personally, there are very few times that I've said I hated someone, and I have NEVER said that I hoped someone died. There is a difference between hating someone and disliking them. You can be 'not fond' of someone based on their life decisions, you totally have that right. But hate is so strong! She hadn't done anything to anyone. And even if you don't like someone, that's still no reason to publicly humiliate and destroy them! Just live and let live!
The only times I've ever hated anyone was because of the way they treated me. I was bullied in elementary school. A lot. Those kids, the ones who went out of their way to be mean and hurtful - I hated them, but I also managed to move on and I can truthfully say I became stronger because of it. My bullying situation ended after elementary school and I am so glad it did, because I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had had an equally miserable time in high school. Poor Amanda had all this hate and negativity follow her from elementary school to 3 different high schools. There was nowhere she could escape it, not even at her own house!
I never knew this girl, but I want to remember her. From all her photos, she seems so cute and sweet and confident. It just goes to show how sometimes you just really don't know. There were warning signs, of course, but according to her video, it seemed like she was getting better and truly wanted to live. I feel for her family and her friends. I hope that the evil awful kids who drove her to this point, finally see the error of their ways. Bullying someone to the point where they commit suicide is a crime in Canada, as it damn well should be. People commit suicide every day for different reasons, but this situation is one of the most preventable, and one of the closest to murder that I can think of. I hope that everyone who picked on her, called her names, spread rumours and punched her are taken to court. They don't deserve to get away with this. And I hope everyone who was too scared or just couldn't be bothered to do anything will learn from this tragedy, and not let it happen again.
For all of you reading this, thank you for taking your time to listen to all I have to say. Please remember Amanda, and me, and all the other kids out there who are in so much pain that they don't know what to do. I was lucky. I have wonderful, supportive parents and the opportunity to go to high school and make new friends and escape that situation. Her parents were supportive, I'm sure (they did help her move schools to try to get her away from it) but unfortunately it was too late.
To anyone who has ever considered suicide: PLEASE DON'T. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone about it, but if you find the right person it will help, I promise you. I know you might think you don't matter, but there are people out there who would be absolutely heartbroken to see you go. Even if you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for those people you love, reach out to them and tell them what's happening. It will help. Talk to me, I don't care who you are, I love you and I'm here for you! <3
To everyone else: THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY AND DO. A little joke might seem harmless to you at the time, but for someone like Amanda, it might just be the last straw. Do you want that on your conscience? Don't ignore hateful Facebook pages or posts, report them or tell off whoever posted them. And DEFINITELY don't post or create mean things yourself! Spreading hateful material via the Internet is like suicide in that it can't be taken back.
If someone seems down, or alone, or you see them being picked on, HELP THEM! It seems like common sense, but not enough of us do it. Even if you're afraid of being victimised yourself, get creative and find a way to help anonymously. And if they don't seem to have any friends, be one. A simple smile, hug or kind word can go a long way in boosting someone's spirits, trust me.
Dear Amanda: I hope that wherever you are now, you're much happier than you were on Earth. I hope your soul is finally at peace, and some good can come for others out of your suffering. I'm sorry we couldn't do enough to help you. I didn't even know you, but I wish I could have done something to prevent this. Rest in peace, sweetheart. <3
I try not to be too political or controversial on this blog - partly because that's how I am in real life, and partly because there are too many people on the Internet who will get offended by everything, or tell you you're wrong just for stating your own opinion. But in this case, I don't care. I've been saying for years that something has to be done about this, and IT HAS TO BE DONE NOW. The Government of Ontario passed an act in schools making harsher penalties for bullying, but it really only deals with physical bullying, and is obviously still not effective enough. It's a sensitive topic, I know. But political controversy is nothing compared to a young person's life.
October is (among other things) Bullying Awareness and Prevention Month. For those of you who don't know, this Wednesday (October 10th) a 15-year old girl from BC named Amanda Todd took her own life because she couldn't live anymore with all the cruelty she was facing at the hands of other teens.
Her full story and YouTube video is here: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/10/11/amanda-todd-teen-bullying-suicide-youtube_n_1959668.html#slide=1632694
WARNING: That video is one of the most heart-wrenching things I have ever seen in my life. I was in tears for nearly an hour after watching it. If you're embarrassed by crying, don't watch it in public. Do so in private so you can cry if you need to. I do recommend that everyone watches it, though, to hear in her own words what she was going through, because it's a very long story.
This poor girl.. She made that video a month ago and the worst part was this - the description below it:
"I'm struggling to stay in this world, because everything just touches me so deeply. I'm not doing this for attention. I'm doing this to be an inspiration and to show that I can be strong. I did things to myself to make pain go away, because I'd rather hurt myself then someone else. Haters are haters but please don't hate, although I'm sure I'll get them. I hope I can show you guys that everyone has a story, and everyone's future will be bright one day, you just gotta pull through. I'm still here aren't I?"
The saddest thing is that this gorgeous young girl is not still here anymore - because a bunch of teenagers decided their lives weren't complete without hers being a living hell. There are no words to express how strongly I feel about something like this. It sickens me. And stuff is being done about it, but not enough. Even now, there are negative comments being posted on her video, calling her 'retarded' and saying she deserved it after flashing the guy on webcam. YES, it's true she made some bad choices. But NO ONE deserves to die for something like that. I want to know who this pervert is who had the picture and was spreading it around - she was 12 GODDAMN YEARS OLD AT THE TIME, THAT IS CHILD EXPLOITATION! Not only is it illegal, it's completely disgusting and horrific. She didn't even harm anyone!
That's another thing so tragic about her story, she didn't take any of her emotions out on ANYONE else! She didn't beat anyone up, or anything, she took it all out on her poor self.
The Internet is a wonderful place, but it's also a terrible one. Ten, fifteen years ago, this kind of thing would have been unheard of. This poor girl changed school THREE TIMES to get away from these bastards who were trying to hurt her. But they kept after her! They followed her to her new school and beat her! And they tormented her on Facebook, and I'm sure some of them had some pretty horrible things to say back when her YouTube video was first posted. She tried to kill herself once before, and they mocked her for that!!
That part doesn't even really make me sad, it makes me downright angry. What would it take for these stupid immature bastards to get it?! This was serious! She must have been in so much pain to want to take that way out. She drank bleach! I've seen what bleach does to skin, and it's not pretty. She DRANK it. That would have to have been the most painful thing you can imagine, like your insides are on fire. That's so serious, and these kids kept going.
They told her to try a different kind of bleach next time, and that they hoped she died. I can't believe anyone would do that. No matter what someone has done, no one as innocent and alone as she was deserves to die. Ted Bundy? Yes. Amanda? Certainly not. Personally, there are very few times that I've said I hated someone, and I have NEVER said that I hoped someone died. There is a difference between hating someone and disliking them. You can be 'not fond' of someone based on their life decisions, you totally have that right. But hate is so strong! She hadn't done anything to anyone. And even if you don't like someone, that's still no reason to publicly humiliate and destroy them! Just live and let live!
The only times I've ever hated anyone was because of the way they treated me. I was bullied in elementary school. A lot. Those kids, the ones who went out of their way to be mean and hurtful - I hated them, but I also managed to move on and I can truthfully say I became stronger because of it. My bullying situation ended after elementary school and I am so glad it did, because I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had had an equally miserable time in high school. Poor Amanda had all this hate and negativity follow her from elementary school to 3 different high schools. There was nowhere she could escape it, not even at her own house!
I never knew this girl, but I want to remember her. From all her photos, she seems so cute and sweet and confident. It just goes to show how sometimes you just really don't know. There were warning signs, of course, but according to her video, it seemed like she was getting better and truly wanted to live. I feel for her family and her friends. I hope that the evil awful kids who drove her to this point, finally see the error of their ways. Bullying someone to the point where they commit suicide is a crime in Canada, as it damn well should be. People commit suicide every day for different reasons, but this situation is one of the most preventable, and one of the closest to murder that I can think of. I hope that everyone who picked on her, called her names, spread rumours and punched her are taken to court. They don't deserve to get away with this. And I hope everyone who was too scared or just couldn't be bothered to do anything will learn from this tragedy, and not let it happen again.
For all of you reading this, thank you for taking your time to listen to all I have to say. Please remember Amanda, and me, and all the other kids out there who are in so much pain that they don't know what to do. I was lucky. I have wonderful, supportive parents and the opportunity to go to high school and make new friends and escape that situation. Her parents were supportive, I'm sure (they did help her move schools to try to get her away from it) but unfortunately it was too late.
To anyone who has ever considered suicide: PLEASE DON'T. I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone about it, but if you find the right person it will help, I promise you. I know you might think you don't matter, but there are people out there who would be absolutely heartbroken to see you go. Even if you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for those people you love, reach out to them and tell them what's happening. It will help. Talk to me, I don't care who you are, I love you and I'm here for you! <3
To everyone else: THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY AND DO. A little joke might seem harmless to you at the time, but for someone like Amanda, it might just be the last straw. Do you want that on your conscience? Don't ignore hateful Facebook pages or posts, report them or tell off whoever posted them. And DEFINITELY don't post or create mean things yourself! Spreading hateful material via the Internet is like suicide in that it can't be taken back.
If someone seems down, or alone, or you see them being picked on, HELP THEM! It seems like common sense, but not enough of us do it. Even if you're afraid of being victimised yourself, get creative and find a way to help anonymously. And if they don't seem to have any friends, be one. A simple smile, hug or kind word can go a long way in boosting someone's spirits, trust me.
Dear Amanda: I hope that wherever you are now, you're much happier than you were on Earth. I hope your soul is finally at peace, and some good can come for others out of your suffering. I'm sorry we couldn't do enough to help you. I didn't even know you, but I wish I could have done something to prevent this. Rest in peace, sweetheart. <3
Sunday, 26 February 2012
On Confidence
WARNING: This may begin as a glass-half-empty story, but by the end it becomes more full, I promise! It's worth sticking around to read the whole thing! If you don't have the time or patience for that, skip to the second line break (the one after the following one).
I was recently told by someone (whose opinion I really value) that I was 'too hard on myself'. A few days later, one of the most honest and trustworthy adults I know told me that 'you're not as confident as I'd like to see you be'. There was definitely a pattern happening here. It surprised me, but after thinking about it for a while, I realised they were right.
I've been watching the Oscars tonight, and seeing all those people making speeches, posing for photos, and standing on stage singing/talking/hoping people laugh. I was thinking 'wow, those people are so brave!' Even though they act for a living and have millions of people watch them, they never SEE thousands of people staring at them from the audience, like in the theatre in which the Oscars are given out.
At my high school graduation ceremony, I was terrified to even walk across a stage to collect my diploma, and later my volunteering award, let alone say anything. The audience there was filled with my family, my friends' families, and my teachers. They were all cheering, or falling asleep. But I was still afraid of somehow screwing up and being judged. I'm sure at least half the audience (the women) would have understood if I tripped in my 3-inch heels, and my classmates - who know me well enough to know how clumsy I am - would have not been shocked if I fell on the stairs. And the ceremony was so long, with so many memorable moments, that nobody would have remembered a wipeout by the next day. By the end, I didn't fall, or mess up anything. But that's just one example of my lack of confidence.
It's a rare moment that I'm talking to someone, even my family or one of my best friends, and I don't think 'geez that sounds lame' the moment I say anything. If they laugh, I immediately feel better (as long as I was making a joke on purpose...) but otherwise, I tend to mutter on about what I was trying to say, then go 'nevermind' and avoid eye contact until someone changes the subject.
While I realise this may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, that's not my intention. In fact, I always reread anything I post on my blog or facebook, hoping that nobody will think it's stupid.
Sure, I can dance around and talk to myself in the mirror, but if anyone else comes home, I clam up. I can plan out every sentence in an important conversation I need to have with someone, but then when the time comes, I wimp out and play it safe.
I love singing. I love music and I love joining myself to the music by singing along with it (or in harmony to it). I still can't work up the courage to sing for an audience. Even when I'm in the car, singing quietly with loud music and 4 other people singing over me, I'm deathly afraid of someone hearing me. As a result, I sing quietly and shakily, and my voice sounds like crap.
I think part of my self-esteem problem comes from fear of disappointing my parents. Ever since I was little and brought home my first art project, I've always wanted them to be proud of me. And for the most part they are. But there's still a tiny voice in the back of my head (which sounds suspiciously like my mom) saying 'be careful, you don't want to mess this up'. However, this fear, which has to do with my family, should really have nothing to do with my everyday life at school or work.
Another thing which made me incredibly self-conscious was the fact that I got picked on a lot through elementary school. Though this would make a really important (and lengthy) blog topic for another time, I would like to touch on it now. I began elementary school somewhat shy but excited and eager to learn and make new friends. When I was picked on, I think it crushed my spirit. I always knew the answer in class, but never raised my hand, for fear I would say the wrong thing, and be laughed at. I always watched my feet when I was walking, because I didn't want to trip and embarrass myself. Every child dreads being humiliated, but for me it was twofold - the initial embarrassment, and then the subsequent teasing (which would provoke tears, which in turn would provoke more teasing... Etc, ad nauseum). It's a vicious cycle. And it's a key reason that I second-guess every word I say, every idea that enters my head. I think; 'Is there some way that someone could possibly ridicule what I am about to say, or what I just thought - if I were to share that thought with them?' And if I somehow mess up my delivery of a well-thought-out, perfectly-worded line? It's back to the mumbling and staring at my feet.
I also can't stand it if someone criticises my opinion of something - or hates something I really love. I know it's a difference of opinion, blah blah, but for example the other day a close friend of mine was making fun of a band I have loved since I was about ten, and I still love to this day. I think their music has perfectly expressed so many feelings I could never express myself, and the individual people in that band seem so incredibly genuine that I'm proud to say I like them. But then when she said they were whiny and emo and stupid, I second-guessed myself and felt sad about everything I had thought about them and their music. Even though her opinion would never change the way I felt about them, it took away a little of my enjoyment, because I felt guilty for liking something so 'whiny and overdramatic'. I know it's stupid, but it hurt.
I actually don't know why I'm writing this. I think it makes me sound needy and whiny - but that, right there, is a prime example of this whole problem. I'm writing this because I think - no, scratch that, I know - that everyone out there has something they're self-conscious about. Usually this has to do with appearance (certainly with girls) or level of intelligence. I want to admit that I have problems in these areas, too, especially my appearance. There are some days I think 'Wow, my hair looks nice and I didn't even put any effort into it!' And there are some days I avoid looking at a mirror because my face is randomly red or my hair is a mess. (And for those of you who don't know me, I have insanely thick, wavy hair so it's fairly easy to mess up! Humidity is not my friend!)
But I also want to point out that I don't sit around all day thinking about how much I suck. In fact, I like being left my own company because while I am my biggest critic, I am also my own biggest fan. I point out (to myself) when I look good, even if nobody else does. I mentally high-five myself when I have a good idea. I'm the one who deadpanned that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is that 'none of the guys I know have good taste in girls'. And I know one person who will always laugh at my jokes - me!
And over the past few weeks, I've come to realise just how close I am with certain people, and really treasure the fact that I know them. Everyone should find incredible friends like these ones. They surprise me every day with just how supportive they are, and it's not like I'm constantly fishing for compliments (because that would be needy), but when they give me a really sincere one I come pretty close to tearing up because it's so sweet of them to appreciate me.
I have certain things about myself that I genuinely can't stand (my poor self-esteem, ironically, being one of them), and I have things about me that I love. I've learned to try to work on the negative things, and treasure and always remember the positive ones. I also have things about me that aren't the greatest, but I can't really change them, so I have learned to poke fun at them without letting them bother me. My height is a good example of this. It used to bother me when people pointed it out or made fun of it - then I began telling them that, given my genetics, I'm lucky to be as tall as I am! (that's 5 feet, 2 and 3/4 of an inch, for anyone wondering. And yes, that 3/4 is a huge accomplishment, you have no idea haha)
It's a good idea to have a sense of humour about oneself (I actually make jokes about my sense of humour... because I find everything funny!) because without it, either you take your negative attributes too seriously, and hate yourself, which is not good, or you are overly serious about all your positive attributes and become incredibly conceited and full of yourself, which is terribly annoying to be around! So laugh at the silly things you don't like, and call yourself awesome, and mean it! Positivity breeds positivity, so feeling great about yourself will make people feel great about you, and if you share with others the reasons you find them awesome, they'll feel great about themselves.
Oddly enough, this blog, in and of itself, has helped my confidence a great amount. When I first started posting, I was worried it would be met with criticism. But I actually have gotten a lot of positive reinforcement about it. And I really do enjoy writing. And I want to thank my amazing friends who inspired this post, those who boost my ego every day whether they know it or not. I love you guys more than I can possibly express.
If you have anything positive to share about this post, or about how you think of yourself, please post it below! If you have anything negative to say about me or yourself, kindly write it down on a piece of paper, rip it up, then flush it down the toilet. Because there is too much negativity in the world (especially the virtual one) for you to add to it. The sewer is already full of terrible things, so it won't mind one more little one.
If you think negative things about me, I don't really care anymore. Nobody forced you to read this.
If you think negative things about yourself, please remember that there are people out there who love you. Go find one and give them a hug. I love you all just for reading this!
Good night, dear readers. Please leave me a comment so I know you're not just Russian spyware pretending to click on my link :)
I was recently told by someone (whose opinion I really value) that I was 'too hard on myself'. A few days later, one of the most honest and trustworthy adults I know told me that 'you're not as confident as I'd like to see you be'. There was definitely a pattern happening here. It surprised me, but after thinking about it for a while, I realised they were right.
I've been watching the Oscars tonight, and seeing all those people making speeches, posing for photos, and standing on stage singing/talking/hoping people laugh. I was thinking 'wow, those people are so brave!' Even though they act for a living and have millions of people watch them, they never SEE thousands of people staring at them from the audience, like in the theatre in which the Oscars are given out.
At my high school graduation ceremony, I was terrified to even walk across a stage to collect my diploma, and later my volunteering award, let alone say anything. The audience there was filled with my family, my friends' families, and my teachers. They were all cheering, or falling asleep. But I was still afraid of somehow screwing up and being judged. I'm sure at least half the audience (the women) would have understood if I tripped in my 3-inch heels, and my classmates - who know me well enough to know how clumsy I am - would have not been shocked if I fell on the stairs. And the ceremony was so long, with so many memorable moments, that nobody would have remembered a wipeout by the next day. By the end, I didn't fall, or mess up anything. But that's just one example of my lack of confidence.
It's a rare moment that I'm talking to someone, even my family or one of my best friends, and I don't think 'geez that sounds lame' the moment I say anything. If they laugh, I immediately feel better (as long as I was making a joke on purpose...) but otherwise, I tend to mutter on about what I was trying to say, then go 'nevermind' and avoid eye contact until someone changes the subject.
While I realise this may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, that's not my intention. In fact, I always reread anything I post on my blog or facebook, hoping that nobody will think it's stupid.
Sure, I can dance around and talk to myself in the mirror, but if anyone else comes home, I clam up. I can plan out every sentence in an important conversation I need to have with someone, but then when the time comes, I wimp out and play it safe.
I love singing. I love music and I love joining myself to the music by singing along with it (or in harmony to it). I still can't work up the courage to sing for an audience. Even when I'm in the car, singing quietly with loud music and 4 other people singing over me, I'm deathly afraid of someone hearing me. As a result, I sing quietly and shakily, and my voice sounds like crap.
I think part of my self-esteem problem comes from fear of disappointing my parents. Ever since I was little and brought home my first art project, I've always wanted them to be proud of me. And for the most part they are. But there's still a tiny voice in the back of my head (which sounds suspiciously like my mom) saying 'be careful, you don't want to mess this up'. However, this fear, which has to do with my family, should really have nothing to do with my everyday life at school or work.
Another thing which made me incredibly self-conscious was the fact that I got picked on a lot through elementary school. Though this would make a really important (and lengthy) blog topic for another time, I would like to touch on it now. I began elementary school somewhat shy but excited and eager to learn and make new friends. When I was picked on, I think it crushed my spirit. I always knew the answer in class, but never raised my hand, for fear I would say the wrong thing, and be laughed at. I always watched my feet when I was walking, because I didn't want to trip and embarrass myself. Every child dreads being humiliated, but for me it was twofold - the initial embarrassment, and then the subsequent teasing (which would provoke tears, which in turn would provoke more teasing... Etc, ad nauseum). It's a vicious cycle. And it's a key reason that I second-guess every word I say, every idea that enters my head. I think; 'Is there some way that someone could possibly ridicule what I am about to say, or what I just thought - if I were to share that thought with them?' And if I somehow mess up my delivery of a well-thought-out, perfectly-worded line? It's back to the mumbling and staring at my feet.
I also can't stand it if someone criticises my opinion of something - or hates something I really love. I know it's a difference of opinion, blah blah, but for example the other day a close friend of mine was making fun of a band I have loved since I was about ten, and I still love to this day. I think their music has perfectly expressed so many feelings I could never express myself, and the individual people in that band seem so incredibly genuine that I'm proud to say I like them. But then when she said they were whiny and emo and stupid, I second-guessed myself and felt sad about everything I had thought about them and their music. Even though her opinion would never change the way I felt about them, it took away a little of my enjoyment, because I felt guilty for liking something so 'whiny and overdramatic'. I know it's stupid, but it hurt.
I actually don't know why I'm writing this. I think it makes me sound needy and whiny - but that, right there, is a prime example of this whole problem. I'm writing this because I think - no, scratch that, I know - that everyone out there has something they're self-conscious about. Usually this has to do with appearance (certainly with girls) or level of intelligence. I want to admit that I have problems in these areas, too, especially my appearance. There are some days I think 'Wow, my hair looks nice and I didn't even put any effort into it!' And there are some days I avoid looking at a mirror because my face is randomly red or my hair is a mess. (And for those of you who don't know me, I have insanely thick, wavy hair so it's fairly easy to mess up! Humidity is not my friend!)
But I also want to point out that I don't sit around all day thinking about how much I suck. In fact, I like being left my own company because while I am my biggest critic, I am also my own biggest fan. I point out (to myself) when I look good, even if nobody else does. I mentally high-five myself when I have a good idea. I'm the one who deadpanned that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is that 'none of the guys I know have good taste in girls'. And I know one person who will always laugh at my jokes - me!
And over the past few weeks, I've come to realise just how close I am with certain people, and really treasure the fact that I know them. Everyone should find incredible friends like these ones. They surprise me every day with just how supportive they are, and it's not like I'm constantly fishing for compliments (because that would be needy), but when they give me a really sincere one I come pretty close to tearing up because it's so sweet of them to appreciate me.
I have certain things about myself that I genuinely can't stand (my poor self-esteem, ironically, being one of them), and I have things about me that I love. I've learned to try to work on the negative things, and treasure and always remember the positive ones. I also have things about me that aren't the greatest, but I can't really change them, so I have learned to poke fun at them without letting them bother me. My height is a good example of this. It used to bother me when people pointed it out or made fun of it - then I began telling them that, given my genetics, I'm lucky to be as tall as I am! (that's 5 feet, 2 and 3/4 of an inch, for anyone wondering. And yes, that 3/4 is a huge accomplishment, you have no idea haha)
It's a good idea to have a sense of humour about oneself (I actually make jokes about my sense of humour... because I find everything funny!) because without it, either you take your negative attributes too seriously, and hate yourself, which is not good, or you are overly serious about all your positive attributes and become incredibly conceited and full of yourself, which is terribly annoying to be around! So laugh at the silly things you don't like, and call yourself awesome, and mean it! Positivity breeds positivity, so feeling great about yourself will make people feel great about you, and if you share with others the reasons you find them awesome, they'll feel great about themselves.
Oddly enough, this blog, in and of itself, has helped my confidence a great amount. When I first started posting, I was worried it would be met with criticism. But I actually have gotten a lot of positive reinforcement about it. And I really do enjoy writing. And I want to thank my amazing friends who inspired this post, those who boost my ego every day whether they know it or not. I love you guys more than I can possibly express.
If you have anything positive to share about this post, or about how you think of yourself, please post it below! If you have anything negative to say about me or yourself, kindly write it down on a piece of paper, rip it up, then flush it down the toilet. Because there is too much negativity in the world (especially the virtual one) for you to add to it. The sewer is already full of terrible things, so it won't mind one more little one.
If you think negative things about me, I don't really care anymore. Nobody forced you to read this.
If you think negative things about yourself, please remember that there are people out there who love you. Go find one and give them a hug. I love you all just for reading this!
Good night, dear readers. Please leave me a comment so I know you're not just Russian spyware pretending to click on my link :)
Sunday, 5 February 2012
On Grief
In my lifetime, I have experienced the deaths of four loved ones. My mother's great-aunt died when I was 10, my grandma (on my dad's side) passed away when I was 12, and my great-grandma (on my mom's side) followed when I was 16. Last week, my aunt died, and unlike all the other times, this time I was absolutely shocked.
My great-aunt and great-grandma were both in their nineties when they died, and they had been very sick for quite a while. My grandma was nearly seventy, and her health was in decline for several months before her death. My aunt was fifty-nine and we had less than a week of warning before she died.
My dad has a large family - five sisters, two brothers and him. His parents are both dead (his father passed away before I was born), and the siblings are scattered all over the province - one even lives in Alberta. Despite that, it's a very close-knit family, with eight grandkids (only 4 of the siblings are actually married). Save for the ones in Alberta, we all visit at New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas; even the Albertians fly in during the summer for a 'family reunion'.
Because of this, I last saw my aunt at Christmas, right before she left for her snowbird condo in Florida. At Christmas she was kind of thin and tired, but our whole family always naps at Christmas, (sometime between the gifts and the turkey) so I didn't think anything of it.
Then, about two weeks ago, my mom told us all at dinner that she 'needed to talk to us'. Now, I just know that anytime my mom says anything in that ominous a tone, that something bad is happening. She tells us my aunt is sick in Florida. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's clearly something bad. When I hear 'sick', I think having a cold or a fever or something. People don't call their relatives back home to inform them about something like that. And people definitely don't tell their sick relatives that they should fly back to Canada over something like that. Apparently the day after that, her sister flew down to help her pack up - and she had collapsed. I was really confused, hearing everything fifth-hand didn't help, but I still didn't know what 'sick' meant, it's a terribly vague word. I found out later that she had had surgery over the summer to remove a benign cyst from her stomch, and that once she fell it caused internal bleeding/she fell because of the internal bleeding? So of course, they rushed her to the ER and she was placed in the ICU and we found out on Thursday that she was having organ failure, and they didn't expect her to last the night. So I had some warning, but not much. And on top of that, I had an exam the next day, and another incredibly stressful one the following Tuesday. She died Friday, around noon, after my exam, but my dad didn't tell me until around five o'clock (coincidentally, right before I was about to leave for work). I went to work in shock. It didn't go terribly well, but that's a story I probably should keep to myself...
Funerals have always made me uncomfortable - especially when there's an open casket. Those freak me out so much, I never go near them. When my great-aunt died, I was pretty young, so I just stood with my cousin the whole time and talked quietly. At my grandma's visitations, I felt really sad but couldn't bring myself to cry, even though everyone else was. I pretty much sat in a corner by myself, ignoring and being ignored by everyone. I remember my sisters were playing and acting like everything was fine, and I remember being irritated with them for that. Looking back now, I realize they were only about 7 at the time, so they didn't have much of a grasp on what was happening. But at the time, it really bothered me; it almost seemed as though they were being insensitive or something. The next day, at the actual funeral, I was sobbing uncontrollably the entire time and couldn't make myself stop. Strange, given how dry my eyes had been the day prior, but I suppose it had finally hit me - I hadn't cried since a brief moment the day I found out about her dying.
My great-grandma's funeral was much the same as my great-aunt's had been six years earlier. There were no visitations beforehand, but I stell felt terribly awkward. To put it in perspective, I had been born when she was eighty-two, and while she was very healthy for someone her age (until the last few months), her memory was steadily growing worse through all my memories of her. She was a nice lady, and always listened with great interest whenever I told her something, but eventually she got to a point where she couldn't remember which of her 5 great-granddaughters I was, or pretty much anything anyone told her. She would try to tell us a story from her childhood, and then get into a debate with my grandma (her daughter) about the accuracy of the details. My mom and grandma were both crying at the funeral, but I never did. I think it was because they had better memories of her than I did.
My aunt's death was different. I didn't cry too much (except for a bit at work that first night) at the funeral; it came and went in bursts of tears, but it seemed I cried a lot less than my aunts or any of my cousins. I wrote my exam on schedule, and went to work (which I now regret). My sisters were pretty much indifferent - again, I felt irritation towards them, but again, I wondered why I wasn't more upset.
My aunt was a fascinating person. She played golf almost religiously, loved Broadway shows and cared more about her family than anyone else. She was full of jokes and hugs, but if someone stepped out of line, she didn't hesitate to tell them so (which sometimes pissed my sisters off). She was more a fan of plants than animals, and never married, but had a busy social life.
For a few years, between the time I was ten and fifteen, she took me out every December to go shopping for Christmas gifts. She decided she wanted to get me something I really wanted, so I would always pick one out and she would wrap it up for me. I would also use this opportunity to buy gifts for my parents and sisters. We always had fun, and considering the size of our family, it was one of the few times I got to spend with her one-on-one. She also used to take me and my cousins to see musicals in Toronto or locally, as birthday gifts. Over the years, I saw the Lion King with her and my cousins, Beauty and the Beast with her and my sisters, and Cats.
Everyone handles death differently, and my family is a prime example of this. My dad looks sad for a day or two, but for the most part behaves normally, and never cries. My mom tells anyone who will listen the lengthy story about how we have just had a death in the family, and my sisters (as I mentioned earlier) have no reaction whatsoever. Usually I find myself in disbelief about it for a few days, feeling sad at the most random times, and awkwardly thanking anyone who offers their condolences. It was partly so surprising because it was my aunt. Sure, she was 14 years older than my dad, but that's still not that old! Aunts and uncles don't die. Grandparents and great-relatives and goldfish die, but only if they're old. And even then, after a lengthy illness. Not so suddenly.
It made me a little frustrated with the world. It seems strange to think that soon her house will be sold and we'll need to go somewhere else for Christmas dinner, and that her new car, which she was so proud of, was kind of a waste (she only had it for about six months). And that now I only have four aunts (plus my mom's sister), and that I will soon only have mental images of her and her house (as well as a few actual photos). And I don't even think she found out about me getting accepted to my favourite university, because I got that letter a few days after Christmas, and I told everyone else at New Year's, at which point she was already in Florida.
I miss her. But I hope she's proud of me. And I know my grandma and grandpa are now reunited with their oldest daughter, and she can tell them 'hello' from the rest of us.
My great-aunt and great-grandma were both in their nineties when they died, and they had been very sick for quite a while. My grandma was nearly seventy, and her health was in decline for several months before her death. My aunt was fifty-nine and we had less than a week of warning before she died.
My dad has a large family - five sisters, two brothers and him. His parents are both dead (his father passed away before I was born), and the siblings are scattered all over the province - one even lives in Alberta. Despite that, it's a very close-knit family, with eight grandkids (only 4 of the siblings are actually married). Save for the ones in Alberta, we all visit at New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas; even the Albertians fly in during the summer for a 'family reunion'.
Because of this, I last saw my aunt at Christmas, right before she left for her snowbird condo in Florida. At Christmas she was kind of thin and tired, but our whole family always naps at Christmas, (sometime between the gifts and the turkey) so I didn't think anything of it.
Then, about two weeks ago, my mom told us all at dinner that she 'needed to talk to us'. Now, I just know that anytime my mom says anything in that ominous a tone, that something bad is happening. She tells us my aunt is sick in Florida. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's clearly something bad. When I hear 'sick', I think having a cold or a fever or something. People don't call their relatives back home to inform them about something like that. And people definitely don't tell their sick relatives that they should fly back to Canada over something like that. Apparently the day after that, her sister flew down to help her pack up - and she had collapsed. I was really confused, hearing everything fifth-hand didn't help, but I still didn't know what 'sick' meant, it's a terribly vague word. I found out later that she had had surgery over the summer to remove a benign cyst from her stomch, and that once she fell it caused internal bleeding/she fell because of the internal bleeding? So of course, they rushed her to the ER and she was placed in the ICU and we found out on Thursday that she was having organ failure, and they didn't expect her to last the night. So I had some warning, but not much. And on top of that, I had an exam the next day, and another incredibly stressful one the following Tuesday. She died Friday, around noon, after my exam, but my dad didn't tell me until around five o'clock (coincidentally, right before I was about to leave for work). I went to work in shock. It didn't go terribly well, but that's a story I probably should keep to myself...
Funerals have always made me uncomfortable - especially when there's an open casket. Those freak me out so much, I never go near them. When my great-aunt died, I was pretty young, so I just stood with my cousin the whole time and talked quietly. At my grandma's visitations, I felt really sad but couldn't bring myself to cry, even though everyone else was. I pretty much sat in a corner by myself, ignoring and being ignored by everyone. I remember my sisters were playing and acting like everything was fine, and I remember being irritated with them for that. Looking back now, I realize they were only about 7 at the time, so they didn't have much of a grasp on what was happening. But at the time, it really bothered me; it almost seemed as though they were being insensitive or something. The next day, at the actual funeral, I was sobbing uncontrollably the entire time and couldn't make myself stop. Strange, given how dry my eyes had been the day prior, but I suppose it had finally hit me - I hadn't cried since a brief moment the day I found out about her dying.
My great-grandma's funeral was much the same as my great-aunt's had been six years earlier. There were no visitations beforehand, but I stell felt terribly awkward. To put it in perspective, I had been born when she was eighty-two, and while she was very healthy for someone her age (until the last few months), her memory was steadily growing worse through all my memories of her. She was a nice lady, and always listened with great interest whenever I told her something, but eventually she got to a point where she couldn't remember which of her 5 great-granddaughters I was, or pretty much anything anyone told her. She would try to tell us a story from her childhood, and then get into a debate with my grandma (her daughter) about the accuracy of the details. My mom and grandma were both crying at the funeral, but I never did. I think it was because they had better memories of her than I did.
My aunt's death was different. I didn't cry too much (except for a bit at work that first night) at the funeral; it came and went in bursts of tears, but it seemed I cried a lot less than my aunts or any of my cousins. I wrote my exam on schedule, and went to work (which I now regret). My sisters were pretty much indifferent - again, I felt irritation towards them, but again, I wondered why I wasn't more upset.
My aunt was a fascinating person. She played golf almost religiously, loved Broadway shows and cared more about her family than anyone else. She was full of jokes and hugs, but if someone stepped out of line, she didn't hesitate to tell them so (which sometimes pissed my sisters off). She was more a fan of plants than animals, and never married, but had a busy social life.
For a few years, between the time I was ten and fifteen, she took me out every December to go shopping for Christmas gifts. She decided she wanted to get me something I really wanted, so I would always pick one out and she would wrap it up for me. I would also use this opportunity to buy gifts for my parents and sisters. We always had fun, and considering the size of our family, it was one of the few times I got to spend with her one-on-one. She also used to take me and my cousins to see musicals in Toronto or locally, as birthday gifts. Over the years, I saw the Lion King with her and my cousins, Beauty and the Beast with her and my sisters, and Cats.
Everyone handles death differently, and my family is a prime example of this. My dad looks sad for a day or two, but for the most part behaves normally, and never cries. My mom tells anyone who will listen the lengthy story about how we have just had a death in the family, and my sisters (as I mentioned earlier) have no reaction whatsoever. Usually I find myself in disbelief about it for a few days, feeling sad at the most random times, and awkwardly thanking anyone who offers their condolences. It was partly so surprising because it was my aunt. Sure, she was 14 years older than my dad, but that's still not that old! Aunts and uncles don't die. Grandparents and great-relatives and goldfish die, but only if they're old. And even then, after a lengthy illness. Not so suddenly.
It made me a little frustrated with the world. It seems strange to think that soon her house will be sold and we'll need to go somewhere else for Christmas dinner, and that her new car, which she was so proud of, was kind of a waste (she only had it for about six months). And that now I only have four aunts (plus my mom's sister), and that I will soon only have mental images of her and her house (as well as a few actual photos). And I don't even think she found out about me getting accepted to my favourite university, because I got that letter a few days after Christmas, and I told everyone else at New Year's, at which point she was already in Florida.
I miss her. But I hope she's proud of me. And I know my grandma and grandpa are now reunited with their oldest daughter, and she can tell them 'hello' from the rest of us.
Friday, 6 January 2012
I wish life was like a movie (cheesy i know, hear me out)
I wish life was like a movie. I know that sounds stupid, and it’s an idea that has been done and overdone (often in movies), but it’s how I feel. Movies and books exist because life isn’t fair, and people always want to have hope that it will be fair. We create fictional stories because it’s how we wish our own lives or world were. In movies, cheaters never prosper, bad guys always get in trouble, and people always end up happily ever after. People find love in the most ridiculous situations. If something bad happens, it always turns out it’s ‘for the better’. A broken heart is always mended. A personal tragedy always makes the character stronger. There’s always fitting music (which obviously the characters can’t hear, but it always conveys the mood of the situation perfectly to those watching from the outside).
Evil people are easy to spot. In children’s movies, they’re the ones with crooked noses and bad hair, who often have weird voices. In comedies, they’re always the ones who look ‘too perfect’; the bitchy cheerleaders, the muscular jocks with perpetual sneers, etc. In action movies, they always wear black, have henchmen and sometimes accents. In real life, the bad guys sometimes hide in plain sight. Yes, they’re sometimes obvious, but the ones who end up doing the most damage are the hardest to spot. They can act nice and kind and wonderful, but then change in the blink of an eye with no reason, and no warning. They not only cause damage through their actions, but cause more psychological damage by making us ask why? What could we have possibly done to deserve this? And even more importantly – what could we have done to prevent it? In movies, people don’t have to wonder. Sometimes they have flashbacks; sometimes they get to change what happened. But nothing so devastating ever happens that they can’t recover from it.
People aren’t as resilient as movies make them out to be. People in real life sometimes commit suicide when things go wrong, sometimes they take out their pain on those closest to them. Yeah, there are movies made about that kind of thing, but are they ever very popular? That question was rhetorical – they’re not. They may win Oscars, but nobody would run out to buy the DVD or recommend it to their friends. The reason is simple – nobody wants to waste their time and money watching something that will only serve to depress them. People want to see movies that make them feel good. If they wanted to see suffering, they could just look around at their social group or read the newspaper – there’s more than enough suffering in the real world.
Movies exist to make people happy – hence the ‘entertainment’ industry. In movies, the right people always end up in love, while the bad guys sulk off to lick their wounds. Lonely people in movies always look tragic and yet beautiful, rather than pathetic and self-pitying. And lonely, geeky people always find love, or learn to love their lonely geekiness. And one assumes that after the final kiss and the credits are rolled, the lead couple doesn’t begin to hate each other and break up (until the sequel, anyway). We assume that after the end, it’s just that simple – nothing else happens. That entire world disappears so that nothing can screw up its perfection. Real life is not a fairy tale. Nothing leaves everyone with smiles on their faces – in real life, there’s always someone who has to lose.
And in movies, when someone misses an opportunity, it either comes back for a second chance, or something even better comes along later. Sometimes that happens in real life, but often a missed opportunity is just that – gone. It isn’t coming back. And sometimes it was the best possible thing, and now that it’s gone, your life is screwed up and you’re left thinking about how badly you screwed up. And sometimes there are even awful people around to remind you constantly about how badly you screwed up.
This all makes me sound incredibly pessimistic, I know. But I’m really not – in fact I’m so much of an optimist that it’s unrealistic. I always have the teensy hope that everything in my life will turn out perfectly like a movie. I dream about having seemingly unlimited funds, being the prettiest girl at the dance, my enemies all getting what they deserve, and having the guy I like eventually realize that he’s crazy about me, too. It’s when these things don’t happen that I feel pessimistic and begin thinking the above thoughts. And even then, the optimistic part of my brain that watches too much TV and has too vivid an imagination is still there, hoping and wishing for everything to be wonderful. So basically, real life sucks. Especially in comparison to the perfect world that exists on the screen. But I think that if we didn’t have the capacity to want that better life for ourselves, we would all just sit at home and cry all day. And by ‘home’, I mean on the ground outdoors, because nobody would be working to afford homes. And we would all look like crap and be ugly criers, because only people in movies can cry and have their makeup stay perfect and their faces not get red and puffy (unless that’s an important plot point).
So really, I would like to thank you, Hollywood. I would like to thank you for showing us the idealistic world where we all aspire to be. And if we end up looking back on our lives, knowing that it didn’t turn out at all like that perfect vision, at least we can remember the good times we had watching our favourite movies.
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